Christmas Carols 2003

Courtesy www.talkingcock.com

I SAW HSIEN LOONG SLAPPING DHANA’S FACE
(to the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)

I saw Hsien Loong slapping Dhana’s face
Somewhere in the Treasury last night
He really let it swing
The young man who’ll soon be King
But poor old Goh Chok Tong just can’t recall a single thing
I swear, that Hsien Loong slapped old Dhana’s face
Which soon turned from brown to icy white
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Hsien Loong slapping Dhana’s face last night


GO HOTEL
(to the tune of “The First Noel”)

Let’s all go to a hotel
To-oo eat a buffet
Let’s go there for some high tea with nyo-onya kway
Wi-ith nyo-onya kway, and maybe kuay-ay pie tee
We are willing to pay thirty ni-ine ninety

Refrain:
Go hote-el, go hotel, go hotel, hotel
In Singapore, they’re the best place to dwell

In hotels we like to meet
Lobbies just can’t be beat
And their toilets are the best place to take a shit
To-oo ta-ake a shit, hotel loos can’t be beat
Even shopping centre ones just cannot compete
(Refrain)

Why do we like hotels so?
A good question, you know
It’s not the air-con or restaurants or even disco
To hotels we like to go, ‘cause deep down we feel low
For a while there, can pretend we’re foreign also
(Refrain)


THE LITTLE DRAGON PRINCE
(to the tune of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’)

DPM Lee
Pa rum pum pum pum
He’ll soon be king, you see
Pa rum pum pum pum
And guess who will be queen
Pa rum pum pum pum
Why, it’s Madam Ho Ching
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Better vote him in
Pa rum pum pum pum
When he comes.

If you don’t vote him
Pa rum pum pum pum
He’ll cut your salary
Pa rum pum pum pum
Or raise the GST
Pa rum pum pum pum
Or slap your stupid face
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Wait he will slap your face
Pa rum pum pum pum
Like Dhana-ba-lan


LICK YOUR BALLS
(to the tune of “Deck the Halls)

Lick your balls, but do it softly
Fel-lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-lay-tio
It’s not legal, velly solly
Fel-lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-lay-tio

Refrain:
Not for straight or homosexual
Fel-lay-lay lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-tio
Oral sex is still illegal
Fel-lay-lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-lay-tio

Singapore law’s really sucky
Fel-lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-lay-tio
Sucking cock here’s real unlucky
Fel-lay-lay-lay, lay-lay-lay-tio
(Refrain)

HSIEN LOONG DPM
(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Hsien Loong DPM
Will soon be king they say
But he just can’t still
The old rumour mill
Over what he did one day
Hsien Loong DPM
was a slappy-happy soul
With a good right hook
and an uppercut
But alas, no self-control

There must have been some anger in
The dragon prince that day
For when Dhana-ba-lan stepped in
He began to slap away

O Hsien Loong DPM
Gave Dhana a hantam-ing
But old Goh Chok Tong
Acted like sotong
Can’t remember anything

Slappity-slap-slap
Slappity-slap-slap
Look at Hsien Loong go
Slappity-slap-slap
Slappity-slap-slap
Better not be his foe!


GLC
(to the tune of “Silver Bells”)

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
From Orchard to Yew Tee
In the back
Gahmen’s dealing
In business
SMRT
NTUC
And I’ll bet bubble tea
They’re in ev-e-ry business you see

GLC… GLC…
It’s business time in the city
Muscle in (just give in!)
Become a sub-si-di-ary

You’re a dirt speck
To Temasek
So abandon your dreams
In the end
They’ll take over
Your business
You can’t compete
‘Cause they play cheat
They’re a monopoly
So much for market eco-no-my

GLC… GLC…
They make business rea-lly shitty
It’s no sin, to just give in
And join Sing Tech-no-lo-gy


I’LL LEAVE HOME THIS CHRISTMAS
(to the tune of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”)

I’ll leave home this Christmas
Say goodbye to me
Why is it, I want to quit?
It’s all because of Lee

I just cannot take it
All their funny schemes
Come back home next Christmas?
Oh, only in your dreams!


CHOK TONG, HARRY LEE SAYS BYE
(to the tune of 'Ding Dong! Merrily on High')

Chok Tong, Harry Lee says ‘Bye’
His son is now ascending
Chok Tong, with relief you sigh
Seat warming is real tiring
Go-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Chok Tong
The son will soon take office!

Chok Tong now you go below
And make way for the dragon
He’s an atas so and so
But he’s got great connections
Go-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Chok Tong
The son will soon take office!


JINGLE BENGS
(to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Chorus:
Jingle Bengs, Jingle Bengs
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to squat
And then shout, “Wah lau eh!” (Eh!)
Jingle Bengs, Jingle Bengs
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to squat
And then shout, “Wah lau eh!”

Hooting down the road
And piah-ing down the street
Later go Geylang
And get something to eat
Geylang is damn tok kong
‘Cos down every lorong
You’re sure to find things all night long
To make you si beh song (Eh!)

(Repeat chorus )


GST IS COMING TO TOWN
(to the tune of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’)

You better buy now
You better now buy
You better shop now
I’m telling you why
GST is coming to town

It will increase your bills
By fi-ive percent
Courtesy of the go-overnment
GST is coming to town

It’ll hit you when you’re shopping
Whether food or household wares
So you better start applying for
Your Ee–aR-Ce-ee shares

You better buy now
You better now buy
You better shop now
I’m telling you why
GST is coming to town


O COME BACK YE QUITTERS
(to the tune of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’)

Come back, ye quitters,
Bring your kids or sisters
Come back, o co-ome back to Si-ing-ga-pore
Come and assist us
In this big recession
O come back to your country
O come back to your country
O come back to your country
We mean Singapore


I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE HUSBAND
(to the tune of ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’)

I’m dreaming of a white husband
Just like the ones on TV shows
So I stake out Boat Quay
Or Ho-lland Vee-ee
To snag some rich expat ang-mors

I’m dreaming of a white husband
I read about in women’s mags
I’m an SPG, all right
And I want my husband to be white


ISD IS GONNA FIND OUT
(to the tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town')

You better not pout
You better not cry
You better watch out I'm telling you why
ISD is gonna find out
They're reading your mail
They're bugging your soup
To find out if you're
A communist dupe
ISD is gonna find out

They watch you when you're sleeping
Awake it's still the same
And if you act boh tua boh suay
You will sure kena detain

So better not pout
Or kau peh kau bu
Or they will reserve
The air-con for you
ISD is gonna find out


FILL THE MALLS
(to the tune of 'Deck the Halls')

Fill the malls with Christmas spending!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Use your Visa till it's bending!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Till you reach your credit ceiling!
Fa la la la la la la la la
And the interest starts increasing!
Fa la la la la la la la la
See the letters all demanding!
Fa la la la la la la la la
See the writ of seizure coming!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Bailiffs come with smiles-a-gleaming!
Fa la la la la la la la la
What a novel Christmas greeting!
Fa la la la la la la la la


O LITTLE TOWN OF SINGAPORE
(to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")
O little town of Singapore
How small you are in size
And yet you like
To use your mike
To go and proselytize
Though your Asian values
You know are but a ruse
To justify
Making folks cry
Their liber-ties you bruise
"You must obey your elders
No matter what they say
To be unfi-
-Li-al, you see
Is a treasonous display."


SILENT FART
(to the tune of 'Silent Night')

Silent fart
Smelly fart
Eat durian
Chin chia lat
Bastard
Why you so
Buay tze tong
Just let go
Like that, si beh hiong
Damn incon-si-der-a-ate
Da-amn in-con-sider-ate


SOUTH IN EAST ASIA
(to the tune of "Away in a Manger")

South in East Asia
By a flag white and red
The little lord Harry
Lay down his vast head
He's built up this island
It's rich though it's small
The people love Harry
And carry his balls.


WE THREE SINGHS
(to the tune of "We Three Kings")

We three Singhs
Of Paya Lebar
One in taxi
One in car
One on scooter
Peeping his hooter
All going to Khalsa.

Refrain:
Oh-oh, Bhai what colour?
Ouch! It's white!
Why you pinch
So bloody tight?
Homeward heading
Ghee a-spreading
Bhais want chapati tonight.



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